e to say that sometimes it is me.. a shy, quiet, reserved kind of girl. But by the age of 18, I think I know when I can turn that switch off and become an outgoing, vibrant person. Unfortunately that switch can only be turned on and off if I feel a certain level of comfort. I can only let go of my guard after the barrier or shell is broken. Some have the tools to knock it down in an instant while others try to tear it down piece by piece slowly. But no matter how you cut it, I feel like I can never bloom or blossom into what I pictured life would be like here. This place has become saturated with things that I've learned to become against and dislike. Being here would cause me to melt into the pot of typical lower mainland style ultimately losing the little self that I've tried hard to discover. It's just that the things that used to make me happy don't anymore and the people that I've come to depend on to put a smile on my face are not always dependable. I'm exhausted of standing on the sidelines watching others indulge in the amenities of life. I'm tired of not crossing the borders of 'what if' or being afraid to take a chance. I want to step out of my box and enter the realm of endless possibilities, hoping I'll encounter a life where I'd be of importance or even stumble upon my purpose. But I just have this gut feeling -- not those little ones where you think you locked the door and you know for sure, so you don't double check. But I just know this place isn't for me, or at least it hasn't been. Well of course I love the beautiful mountains visible on a clear crisp day, the changing of four seasons and the lush green surroundings. Although those are gorgeous things that can be hard to find in other places, I need to start fresh and open the doors to discovery. I want to find my home -- a place where barriers are non-existent and fear is irrelevant. A place where I feel comfort in every aspect and a sense of belonging. A place where I can justify my worth and realize who I am without a job description or educational background. A place where I don't feel like I'm a missing piece to another puzzle not trying to be solved. Wherever this place of only my imagination and gut has described for me may be, I'm willing to find it, just to find my perfect fit.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Perfect Fit
It never really occurred to me until I started to really think about life and my surroundings. I think I knew maybe about five years ago that this didn't just quite cut it for me. I stuck it out these past five years in an attempt that it'll get better. And I won't lie.. at times moments were glorious and joyful, yet others I felt alone. I've often been feeling that more than ever lately, me against the world. I think I've tried to cover it up to most people I see. I somehow manage a smile on my face, some short conversation of updates and a nod in accordance. But no one really knows the immensity of the other person within me trying to unfold to the rest of the world to bare witness to. I hav
e to say that sometimes it is me.. a shy, quiet, reserved kind of girl. But by the age of 18, I think I know when I can turn that switch off and become an outgoing, vibrant person. Unfortunately that switch can only be turned on and off if I feel a certain level of comfort. I can only let go of my guard after the barrier or shell is broken. Some have the tools to knock it down in an instant while others try to tear it down piece by piece slowly. But no matter how you cut it, I feel like I can never bloom or blossom into what I pictured life would be like here. This place has become saturated with things that I've learned to become against and dislike. Being here would cause me to melt into the pot of typical lower mainland style ultimately losing the little self that I've tried hard to discover. It's just that the things that used to make me happy don't anymore and the people that I've come to depend on to put a smile on my face are not always dependable. I'm exhausted of standing on the sidelines watching others indulge in the amenities of life. I'm tired of not crossing the borders of 'what if' or being afraid to take a chance. I want to step out of my box and enter the realm of endless possibilities, hoping I'll encounter a life where I'd be of importance or even stumble upon my purpose. But I just have this gut feeling -- not those little ones where you think you locked the door and you know for sure, so you don't double check. But I just know this place isn't for me, or at least it hasn't been. Well of course I love the beautiful mountains visible on a clear crisp day, the changing of four seasons and the lush green surroundings. Although those are gorgeous things that can be hard to find in other places, I need to start fresh and open the doors to discovery. I want to find my home -- a place where barriers are non-existent and fear is irrelevant. A place where I feel comfort in every aspect and a sense of belonging. A place where I can justify my worth and realize who I am without a job description or educational background. A place where I don't feel like I'm a missing piece to another puzzle not trying to be solved. Wherever this place of only my imagination and gut has described for me may be, I'm willing to find it, just to find my perfect fit.
e to say that sometimes it is me.. a shy, quiet, reserved kind of girl. But by the age of 18, I think I know when I can turn that switch off and become an outgoing, vibrant person. Unfortunately that switch can only be turned on and off if I feel a certain level of comfort. I can only let go of my guard after the barrier or shell is broken. Some have the tools to knock it down in an instant while others try to tear it down piece by piece slowly. But no matter how you cut it, I feel like I can never bloom or blossom into what I pictured life would be like here. This place has become saturated with things that I've learned to become against and dislike. Being here would cause me to melt into the pot of typical lower mainland style ultimately losing the little self that I've tried hard to discover. It's just that the things that used to make me happy don't anymore and the people that I've come to depend on to put a smile on my face are not always dependable. I'm exhausted of standing on the sidelines watching others indulge in the amenities of life. I'm tired of not crossing the borders of 'what if' or being afraid to take a chance. I want to step out of my box and enter the realm of endless possibilities, hoping I'll encounter a life where I'd be of importance or even stumble upon my purpose. But I just have this gut feeling -- not those little ones where you think you locked the door and you know for sure, so you don't double check. But I just know this place isn't for me, or at least it hasn't been. Well of course I love the beautiful mountains visible on a clear crisp day, the changing of four seasons and the lush green surroundings. Although those are gorgeous things that can be hard to find in other places, I need to start fresh and open the doors to discovery. I want to find my home -- a place where barriers are non-existent and fear is irrelevant. A place where I feel comfort in every aspect and a sense of belonging. A place where I can justify my worth and realize who I am without a job description or educational background. A place where I don't feel like I'm a missing piece to another puzzle not trying to be solved. Wherever this place of only my imagination and gut has described for me may be, I'm willing to find it, just to find my perfect fit.
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