State of Wonder

Have you ever found yourself doing something so tiring, heart-wrenching and effortful, only to realize you don't know why you're doing the things you do? It's strange how it is so easy to be caught up in habits, whether they be good or bad.. but unfortunately habits never cease to disappear. We get stuck in them, becoming completely blind and oblivious to them. We never seem to truly see our actions until they are pointed out by someone looking at our lives from the outside in. But, we'll deny it at first without a doubt. It is only until we come to a realization or a shattered glass so-to-speak that we truly realize our actions don't make logical sense. Then why do we keep doing what we're doing without any explanation or reason? I think it's really just because, just because we want to and we actually don't need a reason to do something. If it's anything I learned this past fall semester in a class I kinda didn't really like, was in psychology during the developmental stages of life.. [oh another thing I learned was what were stimulants and depressants! right joanna? and of course narcolepsy, right roshni? haha =)] or maybe it was the learning chapter.. anyways, in psychology there's this thing called intrinsic. It means doing something for the sake of doing it, solely based on wanting to do a certain activity. For example it's kinda like the major and minor leagues.. where the professional athletes get paid millions, maybe losing the heart of what they're doing because of the wealth, fame and monetary value.. while the minor leagues play just to play, no reward in the end.. just the state of accomplishment. And while sitting in that lecture hall, it just hit me that you can never really question why people do the things they do, because 1) they'll have their own personal reasons and 2) they might not even know themselves. It's about how an action can make you feel and only you. It's not about anyone else's feelings or motives, it's about how one situation or one act can make you feel regardless if the output is less than the input. Then it hit me again.. do I want a career that's stable, has a good salary and potentially learn to like or do I want a career that might make it difficult to make ends meet but knowing at the end of day I chose it because I wanted to do what I felt like doing? Apparently people who do what they love to do and get paid for it lose heart in it because they're getting paid to do it when they'd rather just do the job without the money. When something comes with a monetary inscentive, it can be appealing.. but at the sametime it's like shouldn't a person want to do something for their own benefit than doing something for money? I guess I'll have to ask a mercenary that question one day and see what their opposing thoughts are on what I'm trying to say now.